Earlier this morning, around 5am, I found my self awake, with a heavy heart, and a troubled mind. I looked at my phone and got angry when I noticed the time. Why on earth am I awake at 5 in the morning, when I had taken two sleeping pills four hours prior to that, because I wanted to avoid another sleepless night. I can’t continue like this God, I need to sleep or I’m going to make my self sick.
This has not been the first time that I found my self up at random hours of the night because my mind could not rest. One cannot begin to imagine the frustration of not being able to sleep at night because your mind is constantly working. I would lay in my bed for hours and listen to my thoughts all night until my eyes opened by themselves a couple of hours later, and that is all the sleep that I would get.
It’s been like that for about 4 months now. I know exactly what had triggered it but I did not know that it would start to affect me this much. When you have allowed yourself to drift into a place of worrying and fear, getting out of it isn’t an easy task. I am the type of girl who slaps on some makeup and pust a big smile on my face and go on with my day until it’s that time of the night where I should be resting and my mind will not let me.
This can’t continue like this. I can’t keep letting things get a hold of me. My sleeping patterns are affected, my school work is being affected, I have placed my self in a hole and I don’t know how to get out of it. As I laid there this morning, I realized that I have been trying to deal with too much on my own. We all need someone to lean on, but when there is no one around, we think we can handle things on our own.
The load is obviously too heavy for me, my strength is weak and I am trying to fight this battle on my own. Sometimes you have to realize your weaknesses and surrender. You have to admit that some things are beyond your control. I had been praying this whole time for God to give me strength to go through my trials, I have been praying for him to keep me in my right mind. But what God wanted me to realize is that I do not have to fight this battle, I cannot fight this battle that is beyond me, all he wanted me to do is step aside and let him fight for me. His strength is perfect, and he is able to heal all wounds. The sun might not shine on me tomorrow, or the next day, but I know with him fighting my battle, my victory is guaranteed. All I have to do is keep my head up until the day that I see a ray of sunshine in my cloudy skies.