One of Those Nights…

Tonight is just one of those nights that I dread so much. One that comes around once in a while, where my thoughts battle with mistakes, my fears, my regrets…a night when I wish my conscience did not exist. I recognize the feeling, it has become part of me. I fight it, it goes away, or so I think until I’m faced with one of those nights.

…and the torture begins, the questions pop up one after the other. These same unanswered questions, the same emotions which I thought were so far behind me. My mind goes back a couple of years and again and again….and again I ask my self what were you thinking? Did one mistake really lead to another? Did you bring this upon yourself? all these questions but no answers.

I wish I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes that I made, all the people that I hurt, maybe then I could find closure.I wish could go back and not break the promise that I made you, but then I wonder If that would have been the best decision. I wish I could find a sign from above telling me that this is right… but all I had were my instinct and fears.

My God do I wish I had never met you, in fact if I had one wish it would be to go back and skip that whole day that I met you. I try so hard to find one good reason why you were part of my life, but I still believe that it was all in vain, and the mess that you left behind….

Then  you came along, with your innocence you brought the smile back to my face. It was too good to be true, I used to tell you. You even got passed those brick walls around me without my permission, and soon enough it all ended. You have tried your very best to earn my trust again, and proved to me that your feelings are genuine, but why take that risk again?

Now my days and my nights are all about you. Things are just so different with you. No lies, no demands, no agreements, just you and I and our feelings. It feels so good but something is missing. I know it because I can feel it. so I’m at standing at the doorsteps looking on the inside, afraid to go in and get stuck inside. Does that make me a coward? Am I assuming too much or is that being wise?

yea…tonight is definitely one of those nights where I wish I could run away from my thoughts. A night where I want to sleep without thinking while I’m asleep. I just want to rest without the tossing and turning. I want to be numb and not bothered, not even by my own thoughts and feelings and emotions…

 

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